The New G.I. Joe Movie

I do not hold high hopes for the new G.I. Joe movie that is scheduled to come out next year. It looks like yet another movie designed to cash in on the nostalgia of 80s youth, but with many of the defining characteristics sucked out of it.

Here’s a list of some of the things that are terribly, terribly wrong with the new movie:

  • Many of the main characters are way too young. The actor who plays Cobra Commander is less than thirty years old! These are supposed to be experienced characters.
  • The distinctive uniforms of the Joe team appear to have been replaced with drab, undifferentiated ones. Everyone looks the same!
  • Bad director. Stephen Sommers? Come on!
  • Poor casting choices. There’s a freaking Wayans brother in there, for goodness’ sake!
  • Destro doesn’t wear his trademark mask. Rumors say he only puts it on at the end of the movie.
  • Look what they did to Stormshadow!!!

Stormshadow vs Stormshadow

Just look at Stormshadow. On the left, we see a highly skilled ninja. Look at his eyes! You don’t screw around with a sword-wielding man with those eyes! He’s got knives and ninja stars ready to go — he’s ready for action!

This is what he’s probably thinking: “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!! RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Now, compare him with the “Stormshadow” on the right. He looks like some emo on his way to a comic-con. He’s got the “popped-collar douche” look going on and is sportin’ clean, white ninja sneakers. I can’t tell if he’s getting ready ready to kick some ass or if he’s preparing to go to a rehearsal as part of his buddy’s wedding party.

This is what he’s probably thinking: “Oh no. I forgot to upload the latest My Chemical Romance CD onto my iPod. I’m going to go cut myself.”

Man, why do so many film producers think that the things that helped turn toys, comics, and such into popular cultural themes are not necessary when an attempt is made at creating a film based on these themes? It was bad enough when Transformers got put through the Hollywood shit-grinder; now G.I. Joe, too?

2 thoughts on “The New G.I. Joe Movie

  1. Are you kidding me! HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLL NAW. You mean to tell me DESTRO won’t have a mask! I will boil the directors head in LAVA if I see him. WTF.

    I waited 25 freakin years for this movie and DESTRO HAS NO MASK!! wtf WTF WTF ARG ARG ARG!

    I am hella pissed.

    GOOD NEWS IS: The actor that played DARTH MAUL is playing Snake Eyes. I almost SHAT myself with JOY when I heard that.

  2. WAIT A MINUTE WAIT A FREAKIN MINUTE…..

    I was cool with STORM SHADOW, until I noticed he’s wearing freakin’ TENNIS SHOES!

    WHAT THE HELL! Oh man. I’m hella pissed off right now.

    Tennis Shoes? A ninja wearing tennis shoes? I’m pissed!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s