I do not hold high hopes for the new G.I. Joe movie that is scheduled to come out next year. It looks like yet another movie designed to cash in on the nostalgia of 80s youth, but with many of the defining characteristics sucked out of it.
Here’s a list of some of the things that are terribly, terribly wrong with the new movie:
- Many of the main characters are way too young. The actor who plays Cobra Commander is less than thirty years old! These are supposed to be experienced characters.
- The distinctive uniforms of the Joe team appear to have been replaced with drab, undifferentiated ones. Everyone looks the same!
- Bad director. Stephen Sommers? Come on!
- Poor casting choices. There’s a freaking Wayans brother in there, for goodness’ sake!
- Destro doesn’t wear his trademark mask. Rumors say he only puts it on at the end of the movie.
- Look what they did to Stormshadow!!!
Just look at Stormshadow. On the left, we see a highly skilled ninja. Look at his eyes! You don’t screw around with a sword-wielding man with those eyes! He’s got knives and ninja stars ready to go — he’s ready for action!
This is what he’s probably thinking: “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!! RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Now, compare him with the “Stormshadow” on the right. He looks like some emo on his way to a comic-con. He’s got the “popped-collar douche” look going on and is sportin’ clean, white ninja sneakers. I can’t tell if he’s getting ready ready to kick some ass or if he’s preparing to go to a rehearsal as part of his buddy’s wedding party.
This is what he’s probably thinking: “Oh no. I forgot to upload the latest My Chemical Romance CD onto my iPod. I’m going to go cut myself.”
Man, why do so many film producers think that the things that helped turn toys, comics, and such into popular cultural themes are not necessary when an attempt is made at creating a film based on these themes? It was bad enough when Transformers got put through the Hollywood shit-grinder; now G.I. Joe, too?