Little Fighting Machines

Fighting Hamster
I came across the little comic on the right earlier today. I found it quite humourous. I also found it inspirational. You see, I named my rabbit Marty after Madmartigan, sword-swinging hero of the George Lucas fantasy movie Willow. I joked with my coworkers that this rabbit would live up to his name and be raised as a fighting rabbit. Well, today, that joke became a reality (sort of).

Now, from previous experience, I knew Marty would do well on a WWII battlefield as a cable cutter, having gnawed through a forty dollar recharging cable for my cell phone and a thirty dollar headset cable, but I delt he should have more combat experience. The only such experience he has had is raking my arms with this hindclaws whenever I try to pick him up. He has since calmed down a bit when I pick him up now, but I still have some scars on my left forearm from his struggles. I had bigger plans for Marty now.

With a mad gleam in my eye, I grabbed a cutting knife from the kitchen and a roll of the handyman’s secret weapon — duct tape — and got to work. I fastened the blade to Marty’s back, as per the instructions. He was a little hesitant to become a weapon of destruction at first, but I managed to calm him down enough to get the duct tape around his body. With tufts of winter fur still floating in the air, I placed Marty on the floor, ready to train him up to be the killing machine he was destined to be.

It wasn’t long before I realized the magnitude of my folly. Almost immediately, Marty began running around the room. There I was, sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor with a rapidly mobile death-blade careening haphazardly about me. I imagine this is how many of the lesser mad scientists meet their demise before they can do any real damage to the world.

A short time later, the blade slid sideways, and Marty brandished it as a lance. He seemed most comfortable with the blade in this position. I, however, was not. With the blade along the side of his head, Marty could very easily cut his ear, face, or foot. I had to cut his combat training short.

What I did was very wrong. I am a trained professional. Do not try this at home.

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