Really Nuts

I bought a bag of Hershey’s “Really Nuts” Milk Chocolate Cocoa Almonds a few weeks ago. They had an interesting matte color to them which, to me, suggested a delicious American Hershey chocolate flavor. I figured these would be really good so I stuck them in the fridge, waiting for just the right time to eat them. About a month or two later, that day came. This afternoon I developed a craving for almonds. This craving merged with my 24/7 craving for chocolate, so I liberated the chocolate almonds from the fridge.

Sadly, I wished I had done an “American style” liberation of the chocolate almonds instead, i.e. bomb the crap out of them and completely destroy their ability to function as a bag of chocolaty snacks. To prevent you, dear reader, from following in my footsteps and making the same mistake I did, let me describe to you the experience I endured while trying out this strange new “treat”.

When I popped the first chocolate-covered almond in my mouth, my mouth was met with the bitter taste of raw cocoa powder. Yes, that darker-Hershey-esque flavor I was expecting turned out to be a layer of pure cocoa powder. Pure. Cocoa. Powder. Mmm-mmm. When I’m sitting at home watching a good movie, there’s nothing that satisfies my sweet tooth like dipping a spoon in a container of cocoa powder and filling my mouth with its dry, bitter goodness. No, there was no powdered sugar mixed in. No sweetness at all.

Detecting this invasion into my mouth, my salivary glands secreted an enzymatic compound which mercifully stripped the layerof cocoa powder from the chocolate covered almond, leaving the sweet, sweet chocolate exposed. The milk chocolate wasn’t as good as I was expecting it to be, but it was okay. I could probably eat a bar of it. And so I continued on my merry way, dissolving the chocolate in my mouth, anticipating the delicious roasted almond which was yet to come.

But, oh no! This foul beast within my maw had another trick up its sleeve. Sensing its impending destruction, it sought to waylay my attempts to devour it and presented to me a coating of salt encasing the almond. This was not like the small amount of salt that Spanish peanuts give to the chocolatey syrup in a delicious banana split sundae. No, no. This was more powerful indeed. This was almost reaching BBQ seasoning levels. Imagine my surprise when the milk chocolate being enjoyed by yours truly was blasted with an infusion of salt.

Like the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, the promise of a delicious roasted almond was all that kept my from spitting the blasted thing out of my mouth. And spit the demon-candy from my mouth I wish I had, for the nutty treat at the center was as fictitious as that treasure of Irish legend. The chocolate-covered almond unleashed one final desperate attack. I could almost hear it quote Melville’s Moby Dick with these dying words:

“To the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee”

The black-hearted center of this wretched candy was an itensely dry and bitter tasting almond. So dry was it that its very consumption necessitated a drink of water to reverse its effects.

I thought to myself “Maybe I just had a bad one?”, but repeated samplings proved to me that each and every chocolat-covered almond in the bag was a little taste of pure evil.

This new product from The Hershey Company is aptly named. I would have to be “really nuts” to ever buy this crap again.

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