Marty was his usual cheerful self this morning, running around my bedroom, making contented little grunts. After cleaning his cage and replenishing his food and water, I played with him a little, petting his head and whatnot. This morning, however, he was unusually interested in my hand, sniffing it as he sometimes does when I have something that smells nice on it, like cologne or soap. To reward his curiosity I decided to grab a little dried yogurt drop treat for him and let him eat it out of my hand.
At one point I put my hand on the ground, forming a vertical pillar with my arm and Marty starting to climb up onto it. I thought he maybe wanted to be picked up, so I grabbed him and cradled him. This wasn’t what he wante, however, as he quickly jumped out of my arms (he doesn’t really like being held). I put my arm down again to see what he would do and he starts climbing it again. This time I just left him alone to see what he would do. Lo and behold this little baby bunny started humping my arm! He started biting it, too, for some reason.
Thankfully I grew up in a rural environment and also majored on Zoology as otherwise what happened next would have disgusted me more. Suffice it to say, rabbits don’t take very long to “finish their business”.
Yes, I was raped by a five-month-old bunny.
What convinces animals to try and mount humans is a little beyond my comprehension. I mean, other animals are not so stupid as to think we are the same species, are they? Perhaps its just hormones overriding the animal’s critical thinking skills.
In any case, afterwards, Marty did his customary “I’m happy to see you” dance around me, as he usually does, only this time he accentuated it with stamps of his foot and louder grunting sounds. Rabbits don’t often vocalize, and very few people know this, but the sounds a rabbit makes are pretty much indistinguishable from that of a human baby.
Anyway, I guess it’s a good thing I had planned to get Marty neutered this week.